2. Parent & Family Coach: Rebeca Costa Gomes

NEW EPISODE – FIND MY SWISS SCHOOL PLUS+ Podcast

What if leadership at home looked more like connection than control?

In this empowering conversation, we sit down with Rebeca Costa Gomes, who is a Parent and Family Coach and Business Coach, to talk about what it really means to lead as a parent. Drawing from the transformative ideas of family therapist Jesper Juul, Rebeca challenges the old scripts of authoritarian parenting and invites us into a new way of leading—as a guide, a protector, and a connector.

Whether you're managing teams or raising children, this episode explores the surprising parallels between great leadership at work and at home. Rebeca shares real-life insights and practical tools for empowering your children while building mutual respect, trust, and emotional connection.

This is for parents, leaders, and anyone who believes in parenting with intention and heart.

📚 Book Recommendations from Rebeca Costa Gomes

Titles by Jesper Juul

• Your Competent Child: Toward a New Paradigm in Parenting and Education
• Family Life: The Most Important Values for Living Together and Raising Children
• Here I Am! Who Are You?: Resolving Conflicts Between Adults and Children
• What Do You Want?: Conversations with Parents and Children

Additional Titles

• The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

🎧 Available now on Apple Podcasts

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• Follow @MyConsciousDevelopment to connect with Rebeca Costa Gomes on Instagram or through Linked In
• Follow @findmyswissschool for more expert-led conversations that matter. Or find contact us on our Find My Swiss School Website

Transcript

Rebeca Costa Gomes, Parent & Family Coach, Business Coach

Sandra: Hi.

Sandra: Welcome to our next episode of Find My Swiss School, plus. I'm Sandra, your host. I'm the co-founder of Find My Swiss School, and today I'm very excited to introduce you to Rebeca Costa Gomes.

Sandra: Who I met through school. Our kids are in school together, and I'm so thrilled that you could join me today because I found in our conversations through school and parenting that you have a very different approach and perspective, and when I found out what you do, I thought I would love to have you on this podcast today because I think what you have to offer is beneficial for many parents.

Sandra: Rebeca, thank you for coming today. 

Rebeca: Thank you, Sandra. Thank you. It's a pleasure. And I think it's been really, interesting that our paths crossed through our kids and then suddenly we're just sitting here [00:01:00] together and have a nice conversation.

Rebeca: And I'm very glad that you have invited me for this moment. 

Sandra: Would you tell us a little bit about yourself and what you do? 

Rebeca: Yes. So, I work as a coach, I'm a parent and family coach. I started my journey as a coach by first becoming a professional coach, helping people in their different, life dilemmas.

Rebeca: It could be related with their professional context or personal lives. I work, As a business coach in corporate, and I have become A parent and family coach, and that is, one of my passions.

Sandra: What kind of training do you do as a family coach? 

Rebeca: well, there are some schools offering this kind of education. I first studied to become a professional coach certified by the International Coaching Federation, and then I trained to be a parent and family coach.

Rebeca: And that was with Family Lab International with their Swedish school. They are a school that was founded by the late Jesper Juul, which is a well known Danish family therapist.

Sandra: Mm-hmm. 

Rebeca: the approach that I have or how we bring up our [00:02:00] kids. It could be a little bit different in the context of, I don't know, American culture or Southern European. But it's a little bit more connected to Scandinavian countries where it's just a different approach to how you, relate with your children, it's revolutionary I can still say compared to Southern European countries where I'm coming from because I'm Portuguese. I was born in Denmark though, but I'm Portuguese. 

Sandra: Oh, you were? Oh, I didn't know that. before I dig into a little deeper what you said, 'cause so much what you said, I want to unpack , what languages do you work in?

Rebeca: So primarily I work in English, so that's the one I feel most comfortable with. But of course, Portuguese is my mother tongue. And Spanish as well. I'm fluent. 

Sandra: And you do coaching in person and online, is that correct? 

Rebeca: Both. Both, yes. I haven't been feeling any major differences when I'm coaching people online and even when it's with a couple, because sometimes I do see couples together, then it's also very possible to do it in the screen. I do not frequently see kids. 

Sandra: Mm-hmm. 

Rebeca: Unless there is structural [00:03:00] communication challenges between parents and kids. Then I would ask the kids also to come in and to have a talk together.

Rebeca: But primarily I work with parents. That would be my focus. 

Sandra: So interesting. So, let's unpack what you said before. In terms of this Scandinavian approach, what do you see as some of the key differences. 

Rebeca: I say Scandinavian, then I can risk to generalize, and I want to make sure that we're talking about Jesper Juul's legacy. His own idea of parenting.

Rebeca: The connection between the parents or the adults that are around them . He puts the focus in the connection in the relationship rather than, the behavior or the system of reward and the punishment that is totally out of scope for him.

Rebeca: So if your parenting approach starts from a place of child and adult wants to build a strong relationship and a strong connection, all the rest will be [00:04:00] much easier. Then when you go into the core values, it speaks a lot about authenticity.

Rebeca: So it's for you as a parent to just be yourself and to be genuine. To base the dynamics of the relationship in who you are as a human being. 

Sandra: Mm-hmm. 

Rebeca: It's not because you are the parent that you need to use authority to make your children do things.

Sandra: Mm-hmm. 

Rebeca: You still want them to do things because parental leadership is very important, however, you focus the connection from a place of authenticity. So if you are sad, if you are stressed, if you are, whatever's happening with you. It's okay because that will also make them be comfortable to have all those emotions. so as a coach I encourage parents to express themselves in a credible and simple way.

Rebeca: You don't need to put any kind of mask or be the perfect parent, there is no performance reward. So the more authentic you are, the better for the child to see you. 

Sandra: How do you empower parents to [00:05:00] find that? I'd love to understand a little bit how you would get to that. 

Rebeca: That's where the coaching comes in. So of course I do a bit of counseling as well, so then I can advise parents. But coaching is a different thing. Coaching is for me to help you explore who you are and to promote self-discovery and self-awareness. Believing that you have the answers. 

Rebeca: I'm just a facilitator of this process. And this is how I raise self-awareness. For you to be more authentic, more, open to your kids and to show yourself, you also need to know yourself. So we go back to the parents' childhood.

Rebeca: if I see some deep concerns in parents, then I would of course advise them to see a professional in that area. But sometimes we just go there and we create insights and these aha moments where people say, oh, now I realize why I do what I do. I'm just modeling and repeating behaviors.

Rebeca: But the self-awareness is needed [00:06:00] for you to understand why you're doing what you're doing with your kids. 

Sandra: I see the crossover with the corporate work.

Sandra: Actually, what You're saying reminds me a lot of team building, corporate techniques in terms of creating high functioning dynamics, team connections, role responsibility, accountability. It's layering it into a parental context.

Rebeca: I think that connects a lot with the leadership topic as well. When I'm coaching parents and families, there is a blend when I coach leaders in corporate, or when I coach people with career dilemmas because it's about self-exploration. 

Rebeca: The behaviors that they adopt as leaders in the work environment is not that different from the behaviors that you want to adopt in your parental leadership.

Rebeca: It's important for us to understand that when kids are pushing the boundaries and testing the limits, they're not doing that to irritate us. They're doing that because they really want to know how you think, why do you think [00:07:00] the way you think?

Sandra: Mm-hmm. 

Rebeca: So then it gets back to you to have the answers for that to be authentic. It's for you to understand that they also need to have a leader in the house.

Sandra: Mm-hmm. 

Rebeca: And once again, to have leader in the house doesn't mean that you need to be 

Sandra: authoritarian 

Rebeca: at all. Because then you go to the role base. It's just because they need to understand there are some agreements that we have in the house, and that's why it's good to also involve them in rule setting, in rule definition.

Rebeca: So we have agreed that we do that at a certain time. These are the routines that we have. You are responsible for that. I'm responsible for this, but you are going to be the one that calls them in for action in case they are not following the agreements that you have established. 

Sandra: You mentioned earlier about parental leadership at home.

Sandra: Would you mind digging into that a little bit more for me because as a parent, I hear that and I go, okay, but how do you do that in an authentic way that's not [00:08:00] authoritarian and just setting rules? That shift is very interesting to me and that's happened in the corporate world too, by the way. There's this own the way you work trend happening.

Rebeca: That's a very interesting, perspective because even in corporate, as you say leadership is shifting to be less of just managing. And to be more like, we are a group. I think the leadership question these days is more about what kind of leader shall I be both in corporate and at home, because many parents, as you say, not knowing it better.

Rebeca: And wanting to go away from what they got in their childhood, very authoritarian approach. They go into the opposite and suddenly they just go to free flow where they end up not leading at all. 

Sandra: Well, I've had a personal work experience of leaders that just ended up not leading and it created a vacuum that everyone then had to step into.

Sandra: I can see how that would also be a dynamic that can happen at home. Especially [00:09:00] if there's parental stress or other things going on. 

Rebeca: It happens very frequently. I meet many parents that just come and say, it's out of control. And then you start digging and frequently this is one of the questions. So there is no leadership at all. So the parents have quit the role of doing parental leadership as you also see in companies. Being a leader as a parent, again, it's about embracing the role of guides and protectors. 

Rebeca: So it's not that you are a boss, that needs to be very important. You're not bossing people at home just because you have the right to assume the parental leadership. You're guiding and protecting. It's crucial to understand that these leadership should not be handed over to the children.

Rebeca: Because the moment when you say that, then you create a vacuum. Kids are out of control and they take the place and start leading themselves. And that's not good for anyone in the family environment.

Sandra: Especially with the teenage years

Rebeca: that's really the moment where they're finding themselves and they're trying to find their space in the family. 

Rebeca: I think it's [00:10:00] important to think when we are not knowing what to do. Think as someone that comes to this cultural context. For expats, like you and I, this is the reality. You go into a new country and you need to take your humble approach to learn how it is to live in this new environment.

Rebeca: If we would think of kids in this way when they come to the world, how do we do it? Do you know the framework? You are guiding them and protecting them.

Rebeca: How do you do that? How can you become a good leader at home as well ?

Rebeca: it's to set boundaries, set the framework. And when I say boundaries, it doesn't need to be all about rules, but there is framework.

Rebeca: So if bedtime is not respected, if all the routines at home are not respected, then kids start to lose their sense of duty. we have a job. They have a job and supporting each other to, to do it the best way possible. 

Sandra: So you empower the parents how to find these solutions within themselves, within the framework that you speak of.[00:11:00] 

Rebeca: That's the focus. Majority of the clients that come are women, so it's 

Sandra: Oh, interesting. Is it because you think the women are the ones who are trying to dig into it or the men just don't see these things, or the women are the primary carers, I'm just curious as to why.

Rebeca: I think the spouses are also aware of what's going on in the house, but the action oriented approach, I think

Sandra: comes from the mothers.

Rebeca: Normally women come faster. they end up eventually also bringing the spouses. 

Sandra: I was thinking when I see our kids going through school, there's been different conflicts, growing up, experiences and so on. How do you empower your children to find the solutions with conflict they're may be having with other children at school. How do you advise your child to manage those things? 

Rebeca: I see frequently parents that are having this helicopter approach, they want to control everything that happens in their kids' lives with the best intentions, to protect them. You feel [00:12:00] immediately like stepping in and you being the one telling off the other kid. Once again in our roles as guides and protectors and facilitators of our children, we need to equip them with the tools to be able to deal with any kind of challenges. 

Rebeca: One day we will not be there, and then they will have to find a way themselves.

Rebeca: As a parent, if you go and solve their problems, if you interfere, if you talk with a teacher, if you talk with a parent or the other child these tends to put them in a place of discomfort. Even if we do it to the best intentions, they are not feeling empowered to then take their own decisions.

Rebeca: So this is of course, totally unconscious. They don't see that, they even feel that my parent is there to protect me. I feel so good. But in the end, what they experience is I'm not capable to solve it myself. So my parent is stepping in to solve it for me.

Sandra: Mm-hmm.

Rebeca: So in the long run it has actually the opposite effect.

Sandra: So interesting.

Rebeca: So what I do normally is to try to talk as [00:13:00] much as possible. And here is a tricky thing. It's really about not being judgmental. So there's no place to criticize the other kid.

Rebeca: And the same goes with teachers. So if they come home and they say that the teacher was doing something that they didn't appreciate, you may think immediately for yourself. How did the teacher, then why did the teacher do?

Rebeca: But you need to really be neutral because it doesn't help them that you're criticizing the teacher.

Rebeca: Of course I'm talking here, within certain limits, we are not talking about bullying and very serious cases. So we're talking about conflicts that happen in normal life.

Sandra: Normal. Normal, yeah, of course.

Rebeca: I think it's about really listening to them trying to understand what was the trigger that made them upset and that came into the whole conflict to promote a bit of empathy from their side to see what was the other kid thinking when they did that?

Sandra: Or what did you do?

Rebeca: Something that could have triggered that and then they'll immediately say, no, no, no. It wasn't me. But actually, when you have this [00:14:00] kind of approach frequently and consistently, they will ask these same questions themselves before even sharing with you.

Rebeca: You may ask them. What happened with the other kid? Did you think about that? And then frequently they already come with a little bit of a deeper analysis.

Sandra: Well, you're teaching these skills from the beginning, right? They become core. 

Rebeca: Yeah. And these key questions that you're asking, they stay. Then when they are in the moment of the conflict. It'll come to the surface. Not when the trigger comes, when you are in the middle of the emotion, you can't do anything but right after.

Sandra: Mm-hmm.

Rebeca: They may even think themselves, okay, maybe I did something. So normally what I do, what I advise is give your kids the tools to deal with their troubles, with their challenges at school. Do not interfere until it's something that is serious. Listen with no judgment and create this kind of routines where they [00:15:00] want to tell you what happened.

Rebeca: I try Also to put a bit of humor in it. I'm not making fun but I'm saying, that actually could even be a little bit funny. So sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

Sandra: I see That with my two boys when they have conflict together. At some point we can make a joke out of some part of it, and everybody ends up laughing.

Sandra: I find that interesting about siblings is they do learn conflict management. With single children, it can be a little bit different at school, right? I see with my kids they do build that ability at home.

Rebeca: For families that have three, four kids that are fighting all the time, that they're much more prepared to go to school. I totally see that. Me having only one, he has bigger dramas, I think than if he would have someone at home.

Sandra: I always like to ask a question. What would be something you would like to share. What jewels do you have for us today? 

Rebeca: I would have some, yes. I keep noticing a pattern. Many people come with struggles and [00:16:00] difficulties that come from the same place of not feeling good enough about themselves.

Rebeca: Many people dealing with unhealthy self-esteem, which is something that we build in the early ages of our development. This is having a domino effect in how we manage our emotions and how we deal with challenges in our lives.

Rebeca: When you're dealing with unhealthy self-esteem, then you doubt yourself permanently, and you doubt yourself at work, as a parent, you doubt yourself in many roles of your life. And that affects your relationships. So my advice here would be try to promote self-esteem in your children. 

Sandra: Mm-hmm. 

Rebeca: And this importance of acknowledgement over praise and rewards. So a good way to build self-esteem is to put the focus on the connection and the relationship.

Rebeca: Go away from permanently saying, well done. Good job. This is not really supporting self-esteem. To develop a healthy [00:17:00] self-esteem children needs to be seen and understood for what they are not judged by what they do .

Rebeca: Giving a gift to your child not because they had a good mark or because they behaved well. It's because you love them and you want to buy them something. You thought about them when you went shopping and you brought them something because you love them. Not because they had a specific mark and not because of the effort they put in something.

Rebeca: The effort that they put in something is for you to, of course, acknowledge and see. I motivate parents to notice and appreciate the efforts, the thoughts and the feelings without any kind of gift.

Rebeca: As an example, instead of saying good job when a child shows you a drawing, you might say, oh, I see you used a lot of blue in this picture. Oh, I see that, you have painted the sky in whatever color. Can you tell me more about it? 

Sandra: Mm-hmm. 

Rebeca: Of course, they made a great job, and of course it's [00:18:00] beautiful, the drawing, but you're telling them. Why do you think it is a great job? It's because you notice the blue and you notice the shadows and you notice something.

Rebeca: For example, instead of saying, well done, when your teenager comes home after a difficult day at school you might say, well, I can see today was really challenging for you. You look tired. What was the hardest part of your day?

Sandra: Mm-hmm. 

Rebeca: You also start a conversation eventually. And of course, talking about teenagers, you may not start a conversation because they may not be available for it. But at least you open a door.

Rebeca: Another example, instead of saying, oh, you are so smart when your child finishes their homework. You might say, I noticed you spend a lot of time, what strategy helped you figure out the best outcome?

Sandra: But it's connection building, right?

Rebeca: Yes.

Sandra: That's what I'm taking away from what you're saying. You're engaging in more than a surface level way. You're creating an opportunity for exchange, connection, trust building, relationship building, and opening a [00:19:00] dialogue or building the vocabulary between you and your child.

Rebeca: Yes.

Sandra: To be able to discuss things in a deeper way. 

Rebeca: Yeah. And these vocabulary could give us a whole other episode of the podcast .

Sandra: I'm sure.

Rebeca: Yeah. But it's just to, create space, to create moments for them to connect with us.

Rebeca: You can start the sentences, but I'm seeing, I observed, I noticed I, you know, and the I messages are also important here because again, going back to the authenticities, it's about you seeing something about them that you want to let them know. 

Sandra: Any books you would like to share? I can put them on the website. I Know many parents out there we're all trying to do a good job. We're not perfect. We're trying to be authentic. It's great to know that there's people like you out there.

Rebeca: Yeah. On Instagram, you can find me as My Conscious Development.

Rebeca: As for books, I would definitely recommend a number of books from Jesper Juul, one of them is My Competent Child, that is the highlight of his work. But then there's many more.

Sandra: If You'd like to get in touch with Rebeca Costa Gomes, or you're looking for support [00:20:00] in this area, we can absolutely put you in touch directly.

Rebeca: Thank you so much.

Sandra: Thank you very much for your time today.

Sandra: It's been such a pleasure talking to you and hearing a different perspective. I know I'm walking away with many things to think about and take home to my family.

Sandra: If you have any topics you would like to hear more about, please drop us a line and let us know.

Sandra: We meet many great specialists, experts, parents, people that we find super interesting like Rebeca, we are here to bring more of that content forward.